The Gospel According to Charlie

The Gospel According to Charlie



The scene opens in the Old Testament. Genesis, Chapter 1.
Eve and a snake are talking. Eve seems to express no wonderment at entering into an intelligent conversation with a snake, but that’s not the point. The snake talks her into eating some forbidden fruit. She gives some to Adam. Now. If you think logic has just gone to hell in a hand basket, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.


As best I understand it, they were naked, then got some knowledge, then realized they were naked. (This is why I warned you about the logic thing) First, how dumb can a man be not to realize he is naked? What knowledge does that require? And how could they possibly have been “ashamed” of being naked when that’s the way God created them. Try throwing something like that in God’s face. Try saying, “Well, just look at me!! I am so ashamed!


That’s going to piss him off right from the get-go.


In effect, what Adam was doing was criticizing god’s creation. That’s even more stupid than not realizing you are naked. Did he have no idea who he was messing with here? And besides, what on earth did Adam have to be ashamed of? Could it be he glanced down and realized he would be the only man out of countless billions to follow that didn’t have a belly button? I don’t know. But I suspect that even Adam, ignorant as he was, would have been a little reluctant to reveal his disappointment over a slight manufacturing defect. Anyone with even a modicum of intelligence would have better sense than to bring up the subject of belly buttons in front of you know who. As it turns out, our concern for Adam is misplaced as we shall shortly see.


To dismiss this naked business as mysterious and confusing shows a lack of courage in confronting the issue. The best time we humans have is when we are naked. And God commanded us to go forth and multiply for god’s sake! If there was ever a perfect “throw me in the briar patch” scenario, that was it. That would have been like commanding Jerry Falwell (pbuh ) to have another plate of fried chicken and gravy. So what’s the deal here? Everybody knows copulation is possible while fully clothed but its rather cumbersome. Clothes just add a layer of difficulty in obeying the most wonderful commandment we humans ever received.
Nevertheless, something happened that made Adam ashamed of himself in his natural state. It’s crazy. I start trying to explain this stuff and soon I’m as lost as the people I’m trying to explain it to. Of course as it turned out, as I hinted above, Adam didn’t have a thing to worry about. When the commotion broke out in the garden over who ate what and all the finger pointing started, Eve rightly placed the blame where it belonged; on the snake. Adam could have shown a little chivalry and took Eve’s side of it but instead the little twerp let her take the rap. Then god got in the middle of it acting as judge and juror (come to think of it he was) and took Adams side of it and cursed women for all time. That’s just the weirdest damn thing I ever heard of. That would be like Michelangelo putting the finishing touches on the magnificent statue of David and then saying, “Well, this is the worst piece of crap I have ever made”, then gives him a club foot and a hare lip so that forever after his beautiful creation would be the object of derision rather than the most beautiful thing in the history of mankind.


Parenthetically, only in the last hundred years or so have women been recognized as some of our best thinkers. In other words, thanks to that embarrassing little scene in the garden, we have managed to squander well over 50% of the brain power of the human race since god plopped us down here a little over 6000 years ago. Of course that’s just my thinking. Yours may be different and I respect that. But here is what the inerrant bible has to say in Corinthians 14:34-35.


“Let your women keep silent in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law”. And if they will learn anything, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in church”.


My experience has been exactly the opposite; husbands do most of the learning at home. As I see it the best way for women to keep silent in churches in not to go in the first place. A just released study in the magazine “Neuroscience” by the famous neurobiologist, Dr. Arthur Schmidt of Harvard Medical School revealed that women are born with a predetermined amount of words. They have no choice but to utter them all before they die, either through speech or in writing. When they are forced into silence as the bible commands, other behaviors manifest themselves in weird ways. For example perfectly good wallpaper is ripped off and men are compelled to admire the replacement. Kitchens are remodeled annually. Walls are painted for the fifth time in two years. They tire of colors quickly and give all the bath towels, sheets and pillowcases to Goodwill. After 18 months we men finally figure out how to operate the home entertainment system using only two tuners, and she gives the whole thing away to the cleaning lady and buys a new 60 inch plasma set, thus straight lining a learning curve that is nearly imperceptible to begin with. Forget the bible. Women are born to talk. Let them. It’s a small sin, easily forgiven.