Thinking Can Be Dangerous

“Men fear thought as they fear nothing else on earth --
more than ruin -- more even than death.... Thought is subversive and
revolutionary, destructive and terrible, thought is merciless to privilege,
established institutions, and comfortable habit. Thought looks into the pit of
hell and is not afraid. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the
world, and the chief glory of man”.


Bertrand Russell wrote that. An of course he was right. But I fear thought for another reason. Russell was talking about thought we struggle to bring to the surface; thoughts that might move mankind closer to truth and justice; the mother’s milk of philosophical thought. There is however, a different kind of thought; the kind that interjects itself into your consciousness without an invitation. Like the young Mormon missionaries who appeared on my doorstep this week; seemingly innocent and non threatening and only mildly annoying. But once they have a foot in the door they linger too long. You begin to feel uncomfortable. For example just recently my thoughts wandered to Da Vinci’s painting “The Last Supper”. Then…boom!...out of nowhere, my thought doorbell rang and instead of peeking through the curtains first, I stupidly opened the thought door into which a random thought inserted it’s ugly foot.

I wondered if Jesus farted.

Take a good look at Da Vinci’s painting! Look at the expressions on the faces; their gestures. Starting on the far left are Bartholomew, James Minor and Andrew. James is pointing as if to say, “I think it was Him!!  They can’t believe what they just heard. Andrew even has his hands up as if to say, “Enough already”!  Judas, Peter and John are in the next threesome. It doesn’t seem to bother Judas. He is just clutching his bag of silver. On the other hand, you can plainly see that Peter is upset and pointing his finger at Jesus as if to say, “It was Him!  John, number 6, is leaning as far away from Jesus as he can. He is nearly in Peters' lap and anybody can see he has passed out. And look carefully at the expression on the face of Jesus. We’ve all seen that look in a crowded elevator. John is next. He has one finger pointed skyward and seems to be saying, “O.K.buddy….you do that one more time and……Next to John is James Major.  Take a good look at the pained expression on JM's face. He seems to be saying, “My GOD man!!  What have you been eating?  The look on Phillips’ face is trying to tell us he is still not convinced.  Number ten, Matthew and eleven, Thaddeus, have turned to number 12, Simon and seem to be asking, “Did you just hear what we think we heard”?  Simon who is sitting the farthest away seems to be gesturing he can’t be sure.

So there you have it. I hate thoughts like that. I don't ask for them, don't like them; don't even agree with them. They just popped in like the young Mormon men who showed up on my doorstep. Once a thought has its foot in the door there is no turning it away. There’s no defense. And if there is a god and a real Jesus, and if they can read our minds like we were taught as young Baptists, I’m a goner. And worse, containing thoughts like that is about as likely as stuffing a genie back in its bottle. Once revealed, as I have revealed these, they spread unchecked, like the aids virus. So now, you’re probably a goner too. You will argue with yourself about it. You will try to reason your way around it. But god is unreasonable. I can prove his unreasonableness by using the Holy Inerrant bible itself. Let me explain.

Any good Christian who knows their bible will remember Uzza.  First Chronicles? Chapter 13? Verse 10?  God killed Uzza deader than a hammer when he instinctively tried to catch the ark when it nearly toppled off the oxcart.  The reason Uzza reacted the way he did was because when god made us around six thousand years ago he stuck a couple of little almond sized gadgets on each side of our head. They are called amyglada. They make us do things instinctively before we have time to think about it. Like when you open a drawer and see a rubber snake placed there by a prankster. You instinctively recoil.  The reason is because our amygdala sends signals in two directions, first backward to our primitive brain, the part that harbors fear, then about a half second later, forward to the frontal cortex where we do our real thinking. The additional half second it takes for the signal to get to the frontal cortex can mean the difference between life and death. We don’t need to squander that half second while a billion little neurons are firing thinking….let’s see, I wonder if that’s a real snake or a rubber snake?  React now. Think later. That's how God designed us.  That’s exactly how Uzza reacted when he reached to steady the ark.   The inerrant bible tells us Uzza, was struck dead on the spot, reacting the way he was designed to react, and out of admiral intentions at that. So what chance do you think you have now that you can’t keep from thinking about Jesus farting? And believe me, dear reader, you are waaaay outside the parameters your Loving Father set for Uzza.  God won’t give a tinkers’ damn how that blasphemous and heretical thought entered your mind.   You are now in serious trouble because tonight, and tomorrow night and untold nights after that, when you crawl into bed you will try your best not to imagine Jesus farting…but you will think of it anyhow because surprisingly, our brains can remember things by tying two things together. So when you even think about going beddy bye, you will tie that thought to the act of Jesus breaking wind. Worse, after reading this, every time you attend your church, just as the preacher or priest is about to utter the first word, you will think about Jesus farting. And the virus will spread. Everybody around you will be wondering if Jesus farts.  You will hold your hands over your ears and make the Buddhist sounds....ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm. But it won't work. HE will know what you’re thinking. You will try your best to reason with god, to place the blame at my feet for implanting that dastardly thought in your head, but god will have none of it. Slowly you will come face to face with a horrible truth, a truth God has thrown at your feet.  And that truth won’t set you free. It will cause you to understand that nothing has an uglier look to it than reason when it is not on your side. So you are now infected with the god-given virus of unreason. If you are a believer, sleep will not come easily tonight. The harder you try not to think about it, the more that expression on the face of James will scream out …. “My God!  What have you been eating? Then you will remember Uzza; how his god given amyglada caused him to instinctively reach to steady the ark, and how his unreasonable god lowered the boom.

Compare Uzzas' innocent and instinctive act to the act you are committing …thinking of Jesus farting…and the awful truth will slowly be revealed. To use the tired cliché, you don’t have a snowballs' chance in hell.

Born again Christians have constantly reminded me where I’m going.  Which is to hell. Well, I'm damned tired of it and I'm not gonna take it any more.  If I’m goin’ I’m takin’ you with me. You are cursed because you know the bible is true; that it is divinely inspired and error free. So you know the Uzza story is true. And even though you will try your best to deny it, deep down you know that Uzzas’ instinctive act committed out of admirable intentions it not half as bad as your sin of thinking about Jesus farting. Uzza couldn't control his act any more than you can keep your iris from contracting when your optometrist shines his little pen light in your eye. It reacts exactly the way it’s designed to act. Now think about what’s going to happen to you when you think about Jesus breaking wind.  You are in much deeper doo doo than Uzza because if you tried hard enough you could actually make yourself forget about the clouds of methane produced by the Last Supper. I don't have to remind you Jesus is also god and god doesn't have much of a sense of humor about these things.

You’re goin’ down brother.