Mitt Romney For President

Since our next POTUS could be a Mormon, it started me thinking about the Mormon belief system.

If you call yourself a Mormon you have no choice but to believe that your religions’ founder and prophet, Joseph Smith, was directed by the angel  “Moroni” to a hillside where, according to Moroni, a golden book was buried. Smith’s mission (if he chose to accept it) was to dig the thing up and translate the lost Egyptian hieroglyphics contained therein into a document (The Book of Mormon) Conveniently buried with the book were a couple of magic reading stones which were needed for proper translation. It appears the main reason Smith was chosen for the task was, as it turned out, if anyone else were to gaze through the magic stones, they would die instantly. 

Most non-Mormons are vaguely familiar with the story, if not the details. For example few people are aware it took Smith several years (four actually) to finally take possession of the plates because the inconvenient truth is, he wasn’t good at following directions. 

On his first attempt, Moron instructed Smith to approach the burial site “dressed in black clothes and riding a black horse with a switch tail”.   Plus he was told (and I’ll paraphrase here) do NOT, under any circumstances lay the plates on the ground. I imagine Smith thought , what the hell, the things were buried IN the ground; I just dug them OUT of the ground, so what harm will it do if I lay them ON the ground.  But he foolishly ignored the warning and the box containing the golden plates disappeared.

For this moment of indiscretion, he was banished to the penalty box for an entire year. Then Moroni reappeared and instructed Smith to have another go at it. God works in mysterious ways.

Long story short, after his first attempt on September 22^nd  1823 it took him 4 years before he finally got the directions right and was able to launch a new religion which today has 15 million adherents, two of which rang my doorbell only yesterday.

Now.  I’m not saying Smith’s story is untrue. I’m just saying its difficult to make any sense of it.

Let me explain. 

This morning when I answered my doorbell it was the FedEx delivery man with a box of magic tricks which I ordered online just yesterday morning at 10:38 a.m. The box almost exactly matched the size of the box as described by Smith, containing the golden plates . It was shipped by overnight express from an address in New Jersey. According to the tracking number, it was picked up at 125 Lincoln Blvd in Middlesex NJ at 5:30 p.m. yesterday afternoon, delivered by truck to Newark, where it was placed on an airplane and flown to Memphis, TN, redirected to Indianapolis, placed on a delivery truck there and delivered right to my doorstep some 50 miles from the Indianapolis airport, at 10:36 a.m. this morning.  Wow! Fantastic! Just under 24 hours. I’m having a little party and needed something to entertain the guests. And I needed it pronto since next day delivery would provide a couple of days before the party to practice.

This puzzles me. If FedEx can deliver in under 24 hours, why does God need four years?  Especially considering the monumental importance of the plates which has now led to 15 million adherents and one possible POTUS. Compared to my box of childish, insignificant and inconsequential magic tricks this thing should have been a slam dunk.

To understand just how puzzling the Mormon religion is, imagine this scenario.

You are waiting for your delivery.  As 10:30, the usual delivery time arrives, you see the FedEx truck speeding right by your house without stopping. Frustrated, you go online with your FedEx tracking number and find this message:

“Your package has been delivered to and buried in a public park located six blocks from your home. In order to retrieve your package please approach the burial site in a completely black outfit. Don't forget to bring a shovel. You must ride a black horse with a switch tail. This e-mail was generated by an automatic system. Do not reply.  

So you don the Johnny Cash outfit which you inexplicably felt compelled to buy a few years ago, rent a black horse with a swishy tail from a local stable, grab a shovel and proceed to the park. 

Hells bells!!

If FedEx tried that, they’d be out of business in a week! Most people nowadays can't even lay their hands on a decent shovel, much less a solid black horse and a Johnny Cash outfit.  Plus….mirroring the experience of the Prophet; arrive at the location, prepared to dig the thing up and discover not the box, but a note that says, “Sorry, our secret sky camera which is observing you at this very moment, detects you are wearing white socks”.  Please review the contract you signed with us when you clicked on the “I Agree” button.  Paragraph 17 of our covenant specifically requires a solid black outfit. No exceptions. Therefore delivery will be delayed 365 days. Please review the instructions and return to this spot in exactly one year”.

Crap!  I really needed those magic tricks! 

FedEx wouldn’t last a week if they handled my box full of magic like God handled the magic plates. By Monday, all 136,000 of their employees would be out on the street looking for a job.

But wait! God works in mysterious ways,  The whole Joseph Smith tale could actually be true.  Otherwise our present senate leader, Harry Reid, former senate leader Orrin Hatch and the next President of the United States, Mitt Romney, and Ambassador Jon Huntsman  would reject it out of hand. These men are far too intelligent to buy into something like that if the story of their founder is false. Aren't they?

Come November 2012, keep in mind when making your selection for President of the United States of America, this will be the first time in history you have had the opportunity to select someone who actually has an inside track with God; his own personal revelator, seer and prophet who communes with God on a regular basis.

Don't screw this up.  Like Joseph Smith, you may have to wait another four years.

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